


The Lie that you denied

by Frechi



Series: #HQAngstWeek2020 [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: "When did it all change?", Brothers, Extremely angsty and scared Akiteru, Longing, Lying Akiteru, brief mentioning of drugs, fake dating/unrequited love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27322108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frechi/pseuds/Frechi
Summary: "Sorry, I just kinda get completely blocked and I don't know how to move anymore."He tried to explain his lie with a lie, smiling apologetically at him."I don't even know what happened. When did you change?" Kei mumbled to himself."What?" Akiteru asked."Nothing," the younger blonde replied, swallowing his apprehensions that he didn't want to believe.He wanted to believe him, of course he wanted to! But there were things he saw, things he noticed that prove him wrong. Akiteru forgetting about his successes was only one of them.
Relationships: Tsukishima Akiteru & Tsukishima Kei
Series: #HQAngstWeek2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1994737
Kudos: 4





	The Lie that you denied

**Author's Note:**

> Day 1 of HQAngstWeek:  
> •Longing  
> •fake dating/unrequited love  
> •"When did it all change?"
> 
> Please do not use my work for anything!

"See you tomorrow" he said his goodbyes to the boys.  
"See ya," they replied and split up.  
It was a dark evening when he walked down the street, lights buzzing above his head, spending bright cones in regular distances. He was a little cold, his hands buried deep in his pockets, white clouds smeared through the air where his mouth had been, moved through him walking, only to vanish in the dark air. There was also a bit of heaviness attached to his chill and his toes felt pretty cold as well. His mind drifted to the Kotatsu and the aticipation lifted his mood a bit. He would slip under the heated table, the warmth would be so comfortable, warming his freezing muscles. He would also tuck his hands underneath it. His mom would make him some tea or a hot chocolate which would be even better. He couldn't play anyways, so why should he not enjoy a few things he usually couldn't, shouldn't enjoy. Imagining the steaming cup and the delicious scent, his mouth was watering in anticipation. He couldn't wait to arrive at his home. The thought alone made him feel warmer already. Oh and Kei would also-  
His legs lost their jaunty pace, slowing down with every movement of his feet, he nearly stopped completely when a dreadful feeling crept over him.  
He could name it perfectly.  
Guilt  
There was nothing comparable to his smile, he loved how Kei looked at him, his eyes so full of adoration, he was so very proud of Akiteru.  
While he thought about how he would slip underneath the Kotatsu with him, beaming at him, demanding a new story from him, how practice had been, what unimaginable things he had done today.  
Akiteru swallowed. He knew what would follow.  
And it was something he didn't want to think about. He hated it. He hated it to lie. He hated it to deceive Kei. But he also couldn't take it to expose himself, showing his adoring little brother his weak side, his shameful, piteous side, that he was a loser. He couldn't even imagine the disappointed and hurt face he would make, an urge to run overcoming him everytime. The whole situation was so very unbearable. The only good thing that came out of it was the irreplacable smile of his brother. Although even that was boon and bane at the same time. It was the result of his lies that reminded him too vividly of the terrific dream he told to him as much as it made the horrible reality go away. It was a dangerous game he played. While he bore the unbearable lies that were more bearable than the truth about what he really was, he risked it everytime again when he opened his mouth with this smile, drawing out the words, he painted scenes full of colours, enlivening scenarios with tension and he illuminated himself with the brightest light on the stage. He made pointless, weak lies beautiful, epic truths.

That's right, he reminded himself, I can't disappoint him.

Yet it took him more courage to get his feet moving again. It was as if they had frozen where he had come to a halt after all, carrying him so reluctantly to his home where his imagination became a truth itself within a mere moment, Kei beaming at him, their mother admonoshing him to let Akiteru come in first. He settled with the Kotatsu, Kei streching his long legs to his, their feet were even touching a bit when their mother brought them hot tea. It was a little disappointing as he had anticipated a hot chocolate. But he didn't complain, he never did. He felt like he had lost some of his rights. He was lying, though it was without bad intent, he still did something wrong and he was fully aware of it. Taking these rights from himself, prohibiting it himself, was atonement. Instead he smiled at her appreciatively and continued his story about how he had scored an incredible point in today's practice match. He streched his tale, every little detail he spread out, telling until it was time for bed. Exhausted he fell into the blankets, shrinking, hunched up he laid there, crawling in his self-pity. He stayed like that, feeling like crying until this feeling eventually snatched his consciousness away, cradling him into sleep.

"Low fat, lots of protein," his mother finished the sentence that somehow had become something like his signature line, even though it was only for his family to hear. She handed him the Bentobox with his lunch and he headed out. But his smile faded soon after he had closed the door behind himself. With every step the knot inside him grew. The day awaiting him was already clogging his throat, would he be choking at the end of it?

Although he felt suffocated, it still was not hard to go through the day. Silently enduring, he had done it too many times to count and too many times to feel like he had to break out of it. It had been too many times for him to feel the need to having to stop. In a sense he got used to feeling that way, though it was more like his nerves had gone numb under the constant feeling of guilt. And what remained were his legs that carried him with dull motions, arms that tiredly touched the ball he so meaninglessly moved. Exhausted eyes in a face that would smile under any circumstance just to make his baby brother happy. But unfortunately for him his head failed this time. The panic was rising higher and higher the closer he came to the front door and it only blocked him more than he already was. His thoughts were flying at the speed of light until his mind went empty. He stood there, staring at the door, his hand not touching the knob by a hair's length.  
He was out. Not spaced out but completely gone. The panic had risen so high that he was just calm, terrifyingly calm. Until the door suddenly opened from the other side, slamming into him.  
"Ouch," he yelled, instantly crouching into a cowering position and holding his forehead with his hurting hand which he held with his okay hand.  
"Oh my goodness, Akiteru! What are you doing out here? Are you okay?" His mother rushed to his side, pulling him up but when she did, she felt the coldness of his cool skin.  
"How long have you been standing there? You're freezing."  
She pulled him inside while he was at a loss, not even could he greet her as all words seemingly had left his head along the missing glorious story, his mouth left to be silent.  
"Kei," she didn't have to call him twice when his golden head popped up in the floor.  
"Nii-san," he overjoyed called out and entered the hallway properly. But Akiteru only twitched with his voice.  
There was horror marking his face.  
His brother came closer with hurried steps, peeking in his lowered face when he wouldn't look up.  
"Nii-san?" he asked.  
"Be so kind and prepare your brother a cup of tea. I need to go now."  
"Of course!" he yelled happily and dashed off into the kitchen.  
"Akiteru, warm yourself up properly, the Kotatsu is already out. Don't let yourself catch a cold."  
She put a fast kiss on his freezing hair and left hurriedly.  
But Akiteru remained as if frozen in time. Until the door clicked.  
The lonesome sound broke his ice, releasing a chain reaction. His cramping fingers let loose his bag. The dull sound made his knees shaky. When they hit on the floor his hands searched his face. They wiped across his skin, tearing his hair, they wiped his face again. His face that scrunched up again, that let thick tears flow into his eyes, which led to his teeth sinking in deep into his lip. He was shaking, suppressing what wanted to leave so desperately, to leave with all its might.  
"Nii-san!" a sudden voice rang in his ears like alarm clocks going off right next to him at full volume.  
"Nii-san, what's wrong?" his voice was so worried.

No, he thought and his face hurt even more with the contortion.

That's not what you should feel.

He felt his little hands patting his back as if they were searching for something.  
"Are you hurt?" he asked full of concern.  
And Akiteru surprised himself with how good he had become at lying.  
"I'm just cold," he lied effortlessly through his teeth.  
"I will get you an extra blanket!" Kei yelled and ran off again.  
But for Akiteru the world cracked a bit more.  
His stiff bones only moved so slowly, nearly crawling when he took off his outdoor clothes, when he had to drag his heavy body into the living room where the steaming cup sat on the heating table. He fell down beside it, he didn't even really care about the pain spreading in his legs from the collision with the floor. And he crept underneath, legs held as close as possible to his torso, his hands clutched the icy fabric of his trousers. His head slumped over, hanging low while he was holding back the screams and cries that wanted to break out his mouth.  
Soon enough he heared thundering footsteps, rushing back to his side.  
"I brought the warmest I could find," he still yelled tirelessly and put his own bedspread around his shoulders.  
"Thanks," Akiteru smiled at him and pulled the edges closer. He held them tight while he took the cup and took a sip from it.  
He was so exhausted. So very exhausted. But he couldn't escape what his baby brother was about to request from him.  
"So how was practice?" he asked so unbearingly innocent. He had no idea what it caused inside his brother.  
Akiteru put on the best smile he could manage right now, hoping that Kei would not see how fake it was.  
"Do you remember what I did last time? When I hit the ball with my right hand?"  
The smaller blonde nodded vigourously but freezed in the middle of it.  
"But wasn't it your left hand?" An asking expression took over his face, frowning a bit.  
"R-right," he could prevent the stutter. Kei had just hit him in the most gruesome place.  
"So when I hit it with the left hand, right? Actually, I tried that again today-"  
"Really? Did you score points again?"  
For a moment Akiteru froze. Looking at Kei's anticipating eyes.  
For a second. Only for a second did the thought pass his mind.

Tell him the truth!

But as fast as it had appeared, as fast had the same mind killed the thought whithin a breath of air.  
"Of course," he spun his lies further. He had long lost sight of the extend of his web. He was capturing himself with his threads, spinning them around his body and it was getting tight.  
Wherever he took these words from, his panicked mind put together a ridiculous story of his glorious practice.  
And Kei swallowed.  
He believed him every letter, every syllable his lips put into the air.  
And by the time his telling found an end, Akiteru was mercilessly drained. It had taken all there had been left of this catastrophic day for him to put together that lie and make it seem real. In fact it had taken every last bit of his words out of his head. So by the time his mouth could finally close, lips chapped by the sharp edge of the untruths, his tongue wound from every false word, his whole face sore from this masquerade he was keeping up, his self-destruction only to keep this smile, his mind was washed. He couldn't even make any sounds. A tired, half-hearted smile was all that was left that he could manage to do when Kei tidied away his cup. It had sucked out every bit of his energy, his system already running on emergency power, his hands shaking when he folded the duvet Kei had lend to him. It was a drag to go into his room but somehow he managed. Dead tired he fell onto his own bed, falling asleep just like that.  
He was out of reach already when his little brother entered his room and tucked him away properly, having seen just how exhausted he was. Of course Kei was not as excited as before as not to wake Akiteru. And when he glanced back into the room, laying a last gaze on his brother, there was worry looking at the sleeping older boy.

He awoke the next day with his head buzzing a bit. It was nothing serious but it was still a hurting pain that was pulsating dully. He rubbed his eye with a slacking hand. He still wore the clothes he had worn yesterday.  
He felt heavy. And in this moment there was nothing more he wished (for than not having woken up at all. He felt something pulling him down, that something was what made him feel so heavy. And this something also wished for him to not get up, to not eat, to do nothing but stay there, in his bed, doing nothing but laying there, head empty while it was flooded with thoughts at the same time, incredibly silent as there was nothing he wanted to think about but screamig at the same time as there was too much he had to think about. And that something was so tempting.  
Supporting his lifted upper body with his arms, hands pressed into the mattress, he stared down at his pillow. It was so soft, it almost felt like a little hug that was trying to comfort him just as much as it could embrace him. It was tempting. His bed was so very tempting.  
With a little hesitation though, he managed to tear his eyes apart, when the sun came out from behind a cloud and sending its rays through his window.  
What a beautiful day today was. But even that could not loosen the chains at his limbs, his cuffed wrists and ankles.  
This great distance between the lightness the day seemed to walk with and the heaviness binding him to gravity more than usual, weighing him down even more.  
And he was so close to give in.  
But the thing was that he never wanted Kei to sound like he had yesterday, he never wanted to hear that kind of voice coming from him again, he never wanted to be the reason for it again. But he didn't want anything else to be the reason either. He could only try to erase everything and everyone that would hurt his little brother, just shoving everything out of the way, clearing the path. And so he could not allow himself to stay where he was, he could not allow himself to worry Kei again, this time with seemingly being sick.  
It was not easy to loosen the strain of the chains, getting up and changing while they dangled heavily from his limbs, clinking everytime he moved.  
It was a drag. The more so as the chains weren't taken off.  
It was good that it was the end, the longly longed for weekend.  
But it was a drag. When he left his room, oscillating legs carrying him to the living room.  
"Good morning," they greeted him to which he responded with the same, although it came out stiffled, with a big yawn, the conversation continuing while he reached for his breakfast, wishing for this weekend to never end.  
Too fast it did then, when the morning for school kicked him back into his heavy reality that he could block out at the weekends.  
The cold air hitting his face when he stepped outside was pretty sobering. It's like he was woken from a dream or surreal alternative reality, it felt like he had skipped that little relieving time completely. It didn't feel like that in summer. Because it wasn't cold outside then. In summer, when he would leave the house after the weekend, it would feel like his head would get more string out, as if he was getting high on some drug, an even more surreal reality opening its paths for him to follow, like a feverish dream, you know something is there but it feels too distanced and surreal to actually have happened. Although sometimes he wished for it to be his reality. It would have been less tearing than his actual world. But there was just no escape from it and the further time went on, away from this one evening when he crashed irreparably into the harmful truth of his lies, the more his lies lost footing, his feet walking on continuesly thinning down ice. Yet his little brother never lost interest in his tales, asking him, practically demanding him to tell and talk and speak. And it tired him tremendously. There rarely were days when he would not fall into his bed completely drained, his mind telling him to just stop when he had killed another part of it with leaf-thin lies he even fed himself.  
There was only one thing he didn't notice.

"Nii-san?" a little voice asked for him, if he was asleep already, his blonde head looking through the slightly opened door that threw a dim beam of light. And Akiteru wanted to be asleep already, heavy bones pressing his fleshly vessel into the mattress, so that he hadn't have to be in this moment.  
"Ya?" he tiredly answered, a reply he only laboriously could say, even though it was not more than a sound. He didn't even look up, change positions at all, just laying there with his back to his little brother. And he was relieved that it wasn't his face facing him.  
"I know you're tired and want to sleep but I just wanted to ask you if I could come and watch you during your next match."  
The fatigue instantly froze over, limpness removed and replaced with stiffness.  
"No"  
The word was more an order than a reply.  
"But why not? You always say the same no matter how many times I ask."  
"Can we talk about this tomorrow?" his words even slurred a bit although the rest of him was so tense that some of his muscles were on the verge of cramping.  
"But I just want to see you play. I want to support you. Why won't you let me go?"  
Akiteru's lids closed enough to let his eyes be open ajar. Guilt was added to his hammering mind. He sounded crestfallen.  
"Kei, please. I'm tired and want to sleep. Tomorrow, okay?"  
But the answer made it even worse.  
"Okay"  
Because he sounded heartbroken, a thing Akiteru never wanted him to feel and certainly not because of himself.  
That only word led to him biting his lower lip but the pain in his heart was greater than the pain of his body.  
Eventually did it not feel like he was falling asleep from the exhaustion but passing out because he could not bear any more for today.  
It was enough. He knew how mean he had been, telling him to talk about it tomorrow when tomorrow already was the next match.

So the time came when his school, his club had another match. Their regulars got ready for the victory while he got ready to cheer for them. And hoestly, he wasn't fine, he was nowhere near well but it was nothing unusual for him to fake as he had been doing it for so long. Putting on a smile was as easy as sitting down. While breathing became more and more difficult.  
He felt depressed.  
There was this fear following him to every match. The fear of someone who knew him to be there. The fear of being found out. But this fear always followed him to everywhere he went. It wouldn't leave his side, not once. On match days it simply grew so present that every second became unbearable.  
He was so tense, as if he was electrocuted, eyes darting through the rows full of people, anxious to find a familiar face, cheering when he heared the others cheer. And in the end he couldn't even be relieved when it all finally was over. The tension was too great, he felt strained and even more tired than he already had. But the bad news with this was that the second soon would follow. In a few weeks his club would have another match. But Akiteru was already stressed as it was, if he wasn't on the edge of a burnout.  
He also kept it hidden that his grades were dropping, he just couldn't keep up. Not with his self enforced pressure that never let him rest.  
He wasn't sure if he could keep this up, he knew he had to but the way his body felt so slipped, the way his mind was shutting down at the end of a day faster and faster, he also knew that his physique couldn't or that his mind rather wouldn't, it wouldn't allow an actual self-destruction of his body and itself.  
But to its already concerning state, the world didn't seem to give a damn about his condition. It just repeated what it was doing already, day after day. But Akiteru couldn't be mad. Seeing Kei's smile, it made all his efforts and destruction worth it or....it had.  
Because after this last match he slowly lost it, the feeling of satisfaction. The feeling of being able to justify his deceiving behaviour and all his lies.  
Yes, his little brother's smile still made the world light up, it made the filter over his eyes brighter, more colours could pass his cornea, letting him see the world how it actually was. But the feeling vanished with every time. Every evening, when he stood in front of the front door, hand barely not touching the handle, everything was silent, his mind, his body, even his surroundings seemed to not want to disrupt his quietly passing life. That's how his reality was now. His hesitation to enter, his hesitation to have to lie, his hesitation to see his smile. He felt his reasons slipping, his reasons to justify himself. And the filter on his eyes became darker, restricting his vision with a black-greyish frame.

"Can I come tomorrow?"  
It was a familiar question. He should have been expecting it. But the way things had become, it made him almost drop his plate.  
"Ah, please don't. I will get distracted if you come."  
"If it is about cheering for you again, I won't be cheering if you don't want me to!" he was so desperate, his voice practically only consisted thereof.  
"It's embarrassing for me."  
That wasn't even a lie.  
Just thinking about being exposed to his caramel eyes as the position he really stood on would not be simply embarrassing. It would be humiliating.  
The thoughts chased an uncomfortable gooseflesh down his body, being exposed as the failure he truly was.  
"I would be so embarrassed if you'd watch me, I wouldn't be able to play at all."  
"Lie," his own mind told him in the voice of his little brother.  
He smirked in an awkward way, to overplay his sweating back, his speeding heart, his slightly shaking fingers and his mind that was running into an apocalypse. His innards were twisting ans turning, transforming into a very bad bellyache. But not that kind where you have to run to the bathroom. It was a firm knot, like someone would have injured his stomach.  
He felt like bending over and clutching the protesting part. He even felt a little like throwing up.  
But the by far worst part was the face he made.  
It was far from smiling.  
Contorted  
And disappointed.  
At the same time there was conflict.  
Because Akiteru didn't explain.  
So he didn't understand.

But Kei was not stupid. He knew from his behaviour that something must have happened. Else Akiteru wouldn't be the way he was.  
Of course, his rejection was nothing unusual but there was this certain tenseness looming behind his back. But maybe he was imagining it.  
Maybe practice had been just so tiring as there had been so many matches in short time, one still waiting to be contested. But besides his strained exhaustion there was something else that felt off. He couldn't put a finger on it, yet. But he wanted to know since it bothered his big brother that much that he even forgot some of his amazing skills when he told him about his practice.  
It really was concerning him.

"Sorry, I just kinda get completely blocked and I don't know how to move anymore."  
He tried to explain his lie with a lie, smiling apologetically at him.

"I don't even know what happened. When did you change?" Kei mumbled to himself.  
"What?" Akiteru asked.  
"Nothing," the younger blonde replied, swallowing his apprehensions that he didn't want to believe.

He wanted to believe him, of course he wanted to! But there were things he saw, things he noticed that prove him wrong. Akiteru forgetting about his successes was only one of them. He had seen him sneaking sweets into his room, had seen him secretly snacking from the fridge in the middle of the night. He had caught him lying and he had caught him right after when he tried to cover up his lie with a lie.  
He had seen it. How Akiteru was trying so desperately to keep it together but the perfect picture had become cracked long ago. And the truth was leaking out from underneath.  
And Kei came the point, with this painfully useless exchange of words, where he couldn't keep his emotions he had held onto for the sake of his brother, they crumbled off of him He still wanted to but he couldn't.  
Even though he felt a little ashamed, giving in to these poisonous assumptions, that he stopped believing in his brother, he just couldn't keep believing him. Not with what he had seen, not with what he had noticed. Because even though he felt horrible losing the faith in him, it all was reasonable. And his doubts were justified.  
Because he had given him so many chances to tell him himself. And Akiteru had taken none of them.  
It was for his self-protection. His brother hurt him. And he wouldn't take any more of this nonesense.  
He regulated it, closed the path until it eventually couldn't come through anymore, the thing that, against his will, had thinned out.

Being lied to by the one you trust....it has the might to destroy you.

All of his love eventually faded. There was still respectful behaviour but it was cold. His eyes didn't sparkle with admiration anymore. They weren't judging Akiteru either. There was just nothing there.  
Admiration and exaltation turned to distance and coldness.

Like dead he stood in the door, eyes as brown as his own looking at Akiteru.  
And a shudder silenced his voice when he saw the sudden blockade between them.  
That's when he knew.  
He was busted.

Words got stuck inside his dry throat, words he wanted to say to convince him of the lies but he couldn't even move.

"Good luck for your next match," he told him and even though Kei endeavoured to sound cheerful, his voice bore a certain deadpan tone. But there was a certain emotion, conflicted and nothing the younger one wanted to feel, in his eyes when he spared his brother a last glance before he closed the door fully.  
Silently the lock clicked and he was alone again.  
"We won't ever change, won't we," he mumbled to himself when the usual circle began repeating itself.

And he had lied to him again. Even though he now knew that Kei knew. But he would continue this circle of untruths. As long as he could deny that he knew, he could still be the brother who was successful and bright, as long as he could lie to him and himself, as long as he could deny it, he could shine.  
Maybe it wasn't for Kei's sake anymore, maybe it wasn't even for his own. It was for the sake of the times when he didn't have to lie, when Kei had genuinely believed him, when the sparkle of admiration had been nothing but real.  
Before it all had come to such an uglily lied end.

The worst part about it was that he had know for so long, that there was no one else to blame. No one but him and his world full of fearful lies. There was only him caught in his web.

He had fallen into an unrequitted love. The familiar, brotherly affection that was still overflowing, fell on deafness, muteness, numbness. He had erased the mutuality of it. He couldn't expect it to be requitted any longer.  
And he mourned what he longer for. He couldn't help it. Even though he told himself times and times over that he had lost this right too.

Don't. Don't. Don't. You are not allowed. You knew the risk, his head spoke and he slowly slumped down to the ground.

Stop. You forbade it. You can't. You are not allowed to. Don't.

And his hand found his hair, he was grasping it painfully tight. And quietly his eyes broke the law, voiceless tears gliding down his face.  
He had died, his life taken by the hands of a killing moon.


End file.
